I always think that we should include “love lessons” into psychology/social courses taught to teenagers and young adults- it’s a topic we never systematically learn in schools but love life plays such pivotal roles in our short human life as whole.
I semi-finished the book by Jay Shetty “8 Rules of Love” last week- most of the chapters resonate but it’s written in the male perspective- there are no great books for working woman or for girls prioritizing their own growths – I haven’t come across it, how relationships can actually work if both of the partners are occupied with ambitious goals.
But some digest of the book I think are beneficial for most relationships:
Rule No.1 + 2 are for those preparing for love- it’s the solitude period we must spend before serious relationships. Being alone, it’s actually the beginning of love.
Once we’re comfortable with solitude, we can work on our confidence- a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities and qualities. Without confidence on yourself, you can’t have high self-esteem to create better /satisfying intimate relationship later on.
Then comes two other important skills which is self-control & patience we learn during solitude, in that we developed the whole self without anticipating finding someone to complete us. And this is actually important- I think maybe only 5% of the couples are actually not looking for someone to complete themselves or to be someone’s better half. Without the healing during solitude, without this foundation, you can’t be ready to give love without neediness or fear. This process of learning to understand and love yourself helps you understand the effort required to love someone else.
Rule No.2’s chapter are actually quite useful- it basically says we need to review all kinds of karma cycle happened to us before the relationship:
This includes the impressions we experience during youth, the younger-self meditation help us identify the gifts and gaps we have clung to since childhood. And there are three other dimensions – which is our parent, the media and the first love. These are basically to give yourself what you wanted to receive and learned from the past – filling your own gaps and healing yourself so that you won’t fall into the same traps you witnessed. (If we look to our partner to fill an emotional gap, this put undue pressure on him/her.)
Rule No.3-5 are for external love- where we extend this forever love to ourselves for another human. The book says there are four phases of love: attraction (compatibilities review stage)- dreams(sharing the dreams and ground it into realities- couple routines building stage)- struggle&growth (through this we determine if someone is a deal-breaker for you, or you’re willing to go thru issues together during hard times)- trust( which little by little we give each other trust.)
Rule No.4 basically says to partner is to learn from each other– be each others’ guru. Offering guidance without judgement, wisdom without ego and love without expectation. And it says relationships are for growth- a good partnership is both transactional (coordinating and balancing) and growth-focused (life becomes more enjoyable when you know each other, watch each other grow and grow together.) So it’s important we need to assess whether your partner is someone you can learn and grow with.
Rule No.5 is even rarely find in the couples I know of- is to find each other fulfill one’s purposes – this expectation indeed feel like parents-to-kids kind of love. Rule No.6 tells you how to fight productively, and Rule 7 tells you when the couples faced challenges- there are ways to solve it or to let go–teaching you how to breakup and learn the karmic lessons. (It felt like he’s teaching the readers to accept failures like those who wants to start startups- it needs practice and coming back from downturn. Until we make it right.)
To be honest, what I found mostly useful are the top 4 rules because latter rules are too unrealistic for most people and to following the top 4 rules are already a differentiator you can use in intimate relationship building.
I’ll try to put them into use recently.
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